Home > Uncategorized > We eat what we like…and we kill without remorse

We eat what we like…and we kill without remorse

There used to be a commercial for Applejacks cereal when I was in college. The ad campaign featured a bunch of snotty twelve-year-olds gorging themselves on sugary breakfast cereal while bemused adults would ask them “Why the hell are you eating that garbage, and why in god’s name is it called ‘Applejacks’ when the crap is made from high fructose corn syrup and partially hydrogenated vegetable oil and hasn’t ever been anywhere close to an apple or anything else vaguely edible in its entire existence?”

To which the snotty, sugar-charged twerps would reply “That’s not why we like it! Duh! Big duh! What’s the matter with you, retard?”

And the parents (or girls, or older brother, whatever) would ask “Fine. What’s the appeal you coked-up smart-ass?”

At which point they’d stare at each other in mutual ignorance and inarticulateness, jaws slack, unable to convey any sense of how they’d been manipulated into mass market consumption of a highly addictive substance that, if consumed on a daily basis, would surely give them all Type II diabetes someday.

Finally, they’d answer with the Zen-like “Because we do!” The parents would roll their eyes (“Oh, you kids.”) The twerps would gather together for a group Polaroid of whatever insipid activity they were supposed to be engaged in at the time, usually with a caption like “Summer ’94!” as if this was the best summer of their entire lives, could be yours too, if only you sat around eating Applejacks with your other shiftless friends.

The commercial would end with the tagline “We eat what we like!”

Of all the Madison Avenue philosophies that have been expounded in the last few decades, I liked this one the most. It encapsulated, in five little words, the sense of entitlement, decadence and self-destructive hedonism of the American consumer. Why do I eat McDonald’s Quarter Pounders when they’ll put me in the grave by the time I’m 37? ‘Cause I eat what I like, goddamn it! Blow $500 on a new Xbox when I could be, I dunno, volunteering or donating to charity? I eat what I like! Drive a gas-guzzling SUV over neighborhood pets? I eat what I like!

It was the most perfect tagline for consumerism in our times. Twelve-year-olds exist to consume. Parents exist to give them whatever trinket or bauble they require, and challenging that assumption just makes you retarded, a gay-wad, possibly a hyper gay-wad. We eat what we like!

My roommates and I loved the ad campaign. Taken to its logical extreme, of course, means that if you eat what you like with complete disregard for the well-being of others, or of yourself. “We eat what we like!” is the lesson of Atlas Shrugged write large: I can consume, I will consume, you exist to service my desires, even to the extreme of our mutual destruction.

“We eat what we like!”

What if I like eating human flesh? What if I’m a cannibal?

After every commercial ended my roommates and I would turn to the others in a creepy, slow-motion, Hannibal Lecter sorta way, disturbing smiles on our faces, and say to each other in quiet, low voices “…and we kill without remorse.”

‘Cause, really, those fuckers were all tiny little American Psycho sociopaths in the making.

Christ I do love Applejacks though.

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