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If Someone Asks You if You’re a God

Oh, Greta.

This poll can have only one legitimate answer: All of the above

Greta Van Susteren, a Fox News anchor, put a poll on her blog asking people if she was dumb. Dumber than a viewer who emailed her telling her how dumb she was.

Greta, you’ve clearly never heard of Internet Logic. Probably because I just made it up.

It’s based on something called Nap Logic, which is a form of logic invented by an undergraduate at the University of Michigan about 10 years ago. And by ‘undergraduate’, I mean a friend of mine, and by ‘invented’ I mean ‘came up with the idea while drinking PBRs and Goldschlager shooters in my apartment.’ How she got NSF funding for her research I’ll never know.

Anyway. Nap Logic goes like this: if you’re tired enough to wonder if you should be taking a nap, you will infallibly answer in the affirmative, usually responding with a total autonomic shut down before your brain finishes formulating the question, even if you happen to be in the middle of a lecture, or having sex.

Internet Logic works along the same lines. Essentially, if you give people the opportunity to be a bunch of smart-asses online, they will invariably seize the opportunity with both hands and their prehensile genitals (we’ve all got these, right?) Asking the Internetz, a domain that originated as the creation of a bunch of smarasses and proudly continues this traditional tone of assholery, if you’re dumb will only result in one possible answer.

Yes. You’re dumb. You’re dumb just for asking the question.

Geeze. I’ve been blogging for all of five minutes and I know better than to post dumb questions. Frankly, I’m surprised some random troll hasn’t swooped in just to inform me that I’m an idiot yet.

Here at Walkabout, we have no need for polls. I know I’m dumb. You know it. Let’s not go out of our way to measure stupidity with polling data. Fer chrissake, we’re live-blogging Spanish Telenovelas, of course we’re dumb…

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