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Donde esta Elisa?

I turned down my first freelance assignment yesterday. This is kind of a big, frightening step for me. Part of me is screaming “You asshole! You can’t afford to turn down work!” while the other side is thinking “It takes them at least three months to pay you and they’re always a pain in the ass to deal with. Is it really worth the $500 bucks you stood to make?”

I have to agree with voice number two there. Sometimes, clients just aren’t worth the trouble. True, there’d been a change in management at this particular client which promised to make things a little easier, the truth is I’m doing a crapload of work for other people now and can’t really take the time to dick around with someone who won’t pay me this quarter.

Freelance talk. Thrilling to read about, I know. I spent this morning in a suit and tie listening to risk officers talk about liquidity in Times Square. Aside from the fact that it requires me to put on a suit and tie, I’m pretty pleased with the work, as it pays well and quickly. Sadly, I’ve now got a two thousand words white paper on liquidity risk staring me in the face that has to be written, and fast. I’d much rather be blogging about television.

Speaking of, since my Farscape post seemed oddly successful, I thought I’d move on to other weird television phenomenon. Like Spanish language telenovelas.

My favorite is one called “Donde esta Elisa?” Which sounds like a show about a family waiting to drive home from the mall, but daughter Elisa is off getting a new tattoo on her ass or talking to the cute boy at the Coldstone or running up her dad’s credit card in Hot Topic. The mother is looking at her watch impatiently thinking “Donde esta fucking Elisa?”

I think she's in hot topic

Instead, it’s about a kidnapping in Los Angeles. Despite the fact that this takes place in L.A., literally everyone on the show speaks Spanish, all the time, from the family of the kidnapped girl, to the cops investigating the case, to the reporters covering the story. I know reporters. I am a reporter. We’re not actually smart enough to speak two languages.

Anyway, it looks like the show is wrapping up, as we’ve finally seen where the hell Elisa’s been hiding out this whole time, and who kidnapped her. Spoiler alert: her evil uncle.

Detective Hotty del Hottnes is finding Elisa right after her fro-yo

I’ve fallen hard for this show. It’s got insane amounts of cleavage and overacting, both of which I find vital to the language-learning process. I tried improving my Spanish by watching movies, with their subtle writing and plot twists, and people sitting in a room all day and exchanging witty banter. This is not the way to learn a language. The way to learn a language is to watch people scream the same thing over and over again in outraged tones, while heaving their breasts. Honestly, it makes you completely focused. Even if you don’t understand all the words, there is absolutely no doubt when something funny/tragic/awesome happens because everyone on screen dials their reaction up to 11.

I’m sad the show is coming to its conclusion, as I’ve become completely wrapped up in the daily goings-on of the Altamira clan and their business dealings. I haven’t found another program on Telemundo with the right blend of camp and low budget sets to grab my attention, but if anyone sees one they like, let me know. Meanwhile, I’ll be tuning in at 10pm to see if Commissionario Rivas ever succeeds in getting into Senora Altamira’s pantalones.

Senora Altamira, probably sin pantalones

I was considering live-blogging the Biggest Loser finale yesterday, but I doubted the three people reading this blog would actually care that much. Here’s everything I have to say about it, in a nutshell:

Melissa: Still a psycho hose beast. Possibly even more psychotic now that she’s buff. Stay away from me, you sociopath. You think calling out your trainers on the finale makes you look like less of a douche-bag? It doesn’t.

Koli: I’d voted for him to be in the final three, but best he lost out anyway, clearing the way for him to win the second place $100,000 prize, which he will no doubt share with Sam.

Daris: Glad you got back on the horse, man.

Michael: Kinda a drama queen, didn’t really like him after trying to set up the teams to be as uneven as possible. But he worked insanely hard, and there’s no way anyone that big who works that hard is not going to win the game.

Stephanie and Sam: Aw. Honestly, I loved that guy, I’m glad he scored on the ranch. Loved watching him kickass every week, punching Jillian’s hands until she got thrown backward. That’s heart. I’d never watched the show before, and honestly expected to hate it. Instead, I found it incredibly motivational this season, probably because I got to watch guys like Sam, Koli and O’Neal tear shit up every week.

O’Neal: You have an awesome action hero name.

Arnold: We have to blow the bridge! O’Neal! Take it out!

O’Neal: You heard the major! Target that bridge.

(Then things explode and Arnold makes a terrible joke)

Also, he served in the military and had awesome pictures of himself with real military hardware and weaponry. YOU ARE A REAL LIFE ACTION HERO. And I’ve never seen a man love a daughter that much. You’re a hero, O’Neal.

Allison: You still annoy me.

Subway: I like your food. Your product placement on this show is so ham-fisted that I want to jab out my eyes with your delicious six-inch Italian Subs. Oh, sure, there just HAPPENED to be a Subway sandwich shop next to Daris the day he forgot his lunch. Gee, let’s take a camera crew over as if this were completely spontaneous. You’re sponsoring the show. Own up to it. Don’t pretend this shit is spontaneous. Own your corporate whoring. OWN IT.

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