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The Lamentations of Your Women-Folk

There comes a time in a man’s life when he realizes that he’s never had occasion to use the expression “The lamentations of your women-folk” in a sentence. While he understands that, on the whole, this is probably a good thing, he nevertheless feels somewhat diminished.

In keeping with odd, random stuff to write about, I’m starting a new exercise routine. I did a nice shredding phase over the last four months that kicked my ass.

This is probably as muscular as I get

I’ve lost a lot of weight, and I want to start adding some lean muscle back to the mix with a bulking phase. I took two weeks off, ‘cause, well, I was exhausted, then sick, then losing my toenails. After two weeks of heavy carbs, beer, pizza and Reese’s Peanut Butter cups, I’m going back to clean eating and freakishly painful workouts.

I’m trying the P90X system. If you haven’t seen the infomercials, they’re the ones with the ridiculously enthusiastic (possibly psychotic) host.

This man looks way too happy. That German chick can kick my ass.

However, years of watching The Biggest Loser have taught me that the most effective coaches are a) borderline psychotics or b) really bad over-actors. Possibly both. So I got my hands on a copy and started the program today.

In the words of the esteemed Dr. Peter Venkman: “When we get to twenty, let me know. I’m gonna throw up.” Twenty is the usual number of reps they demonstrate per set.

“Bobby, how many you going to do?”


“Jimmy, how ’bout your?”

“Twenty sounds good!”

“Extremely buff German chick?”


Yeah, I made it to about ten. Which means buff German chicks could probably kick my ass. Which we all knew already, it just hurts to face that, sometimes. I think I made it to about 10 on most of their workouts.

It’s a ridiculously hard program. Or, I’m not nearly in as good a shape as I thought.

It’s not really a program for people who have motivation problems. Clearly, I’m not the target demographic. If I had motivation, I’d be doing brain surgery right now, or starting a new company, or writing a novel instead of eating a bag of Cheetos in my boxer shorts while typing with one hand.

The Likeness is Astonishing

The other trick to this sort of program is that about 60 percent of your results are going to come from diet. Lean protein, plenty of fiber, no desserts, that sort of thing. I ate extremely clean for the last four months, but goddamnit people, Vagabond needs a beer. Beer, sadly, is a muscle killer and a huge contributor to belly flab, especially for my age group (i.e. not as young as you think you are, asshole). Spending even two hours in a gym won’t work off the extra calories you ingest by eating half a pizza, a pint of Ben & Jerry’s and a couple of root beers. Believe me, I’ve tried. So to actually get those impressive results, you’ve got to not only do the workout, but also follow the nutrition guidelines, which I find to always be the toughest parts. Garbage always creeps into your diet (Get thee behind me, Reese’s) if you’re not careful.

So…none of this may work. I’ll track my progress, and let you guys know how it goes.

  1. Juan
    May 25, 2010 at 4:31 pm

    I believe in you!

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